...Would "YOU???"

I found the following article on Anabolic Extreme. I can not tell whether this guy is for real, but I find myself waiting for the punchline in part 2. In any case, I have to wonder how many of us would go for it (that is, those who could spare the cash)! [If I had the cash, you could count me in!!! ]

Issue #104

"The Next Evolution of Chemical Warfare, Bodybuilder Style" Part 1

by: apowers3

"Listen man, I am telling you, I heard all of the big guys are going to this doctor X for the special treatment. It is some sort of "prosta-something" and "dinitro-fennel" or something, and I read about it in Muscle Mag. They said it is the new wave, even better than cell tech mixed with nitro tech, if you can believe that. These guys go to his secret office, and come back 12 days later with 20 pounds of new muscle and 20 pounds of fat loss, it is fucking amazing. I heard Ronnie did it last year, and look at that bastard. Come on man, we are banging 5 grams of test a week here and what the fuck is another gram going to do. You need to do this shit man, you are the one here with the shot at being a pro; this is your chance."

I must say I was intrigued by what my training partner said. He had never steered me wrong before, although he was an asshole, so I had to check it out. I asked around my gym buddies for any information, but these guys have never heard of fucking Nolvadex, so I should have known that they would be of no use. I thought about this "Doctor X" and what 20 pounds of muscle could do for me, so I drove about an hour away to my dealer's house for my usual stash of 'bain, and an extra 1/4 ounce (can't get rid of this damn glaucoma), then stopped off at my Doc's office for my scripts. As I walked out the office door, I asked him if he knew anything about this doctor. It always seems that the crooked docs stick together, so I figured it was worth a shot. "Why yes, my man, I have heard of the wonderful things Doctor X can do and I personally know him very well. Would you like a referral?" What the fuck could I say, "Hell yeah, I want a referral, Doc", and so it was. He waddled back to his office, all of his 300 pounds of Wesson cooking oil plus the five pounds of water that he sweat out during my examination, and with the magic hand (or so the DEA says) gave me my ticket to new muscle.

When the doc handed me the referral, I was about as excited as opening my first package of 1000 dianabol, so long ago. I pressed that referral close to me, as I couldn't lose this. I couldn't even wait until I got back to my house to call his office, so I called right from the cell phone in my car. "Hello, this is the Ten Thousand Lakes Health and Rejuvenation Clinic, Sandra speaking, how may I help you?" What a fucking mouthful, and it probably cost me 10 dollars just to hear that, because the damn office was across the country, in Minnesota, but, fuck it, I want this procedure. I asked to talk to Doctor X, but she said that I would need an appointment before anything could happen, typical doctor shit, so I made an appointment for a few days later.

You would be surprised how hard it is to get a damn flight and a decent hotel in St. Paul. But the fun wasn't over after I got out there and into my hotel, as my three-door spec could barely fit me, and don't even get me started on how I got my luggage in the car. All of this was minor though, as I felt like a 15 year old getting his first blow, but the time went on forever before the appointment.

The day came, though, and I was finally in the doc's office. It was like one of those art deco things that you see in movies, and I got the impression, then, that this shit wasn't going to be cheap. After checking in and doing all of the paper work, I was put in an office room and I waited for only a few minutes before I heard a knock on the door, "Oh sorry, trying to find the pisser." "Does the pisser usually have "Patient Number 3" on the door, jackass?", I said. And I slammed the door in the guys face. A few more minutes passed and the doc finally came in. "I bet I know what you are looking for", and before he could finish, I told him about the "fennel" shit I wanted. He seemed to know exactly what I meant and started to explain to me in all of this science shit. I just phased out and acted like I was listening, but I knew the science fags would want to know, so he gave me a paper on it, too.

"We put you under a general anaesthesia for a period of 10 days, while you are constantly fed and hydrated through an IV and a tube in your stomach that is inserted through your nose. During this time, you will be given localized IM injections of a compound that you may have heard of before, "Prostaglandin 2-alpha". This compound can mimic the muscular damage done during a workout, without a workout, so muscle damage can occur even while you are out. To maximize the muscle gain, we also combine the Prostaglandin 2-alpha injections with a precise amount of IGF-1, to force anabolism to happen to repair the muscle damage caused by the prostaglandin injections. During your stay, you will be injected in every major muscle group up to ten times, to simulate 10 workouts with perfect endocrine and nutrition factors to assure muscle gain. You will also receive oral feedings of "2,4 dinitrophenol". This compound will allow you to burn up to two pounds of fat a day, without any muscle loss. The limit of 2,4 dinitrophenol is that the user can only use what they can handle, as the compound makes the user very hot, but while you are out, you don't feel this, so we can dose you up until the safe dose limit, again to maximize the fat loss. After the ten days of the procedure, you are slowly reduced in anaesthesia dose over the next two days, until all of the 2,4 dinitrophenol wears off in the body, so you can awake and be comfortable. The overall effects will look the best in a week after your procedure, but results will be noticeable immediately."

The doc then mentioned the cost of the procedure, 10,000 dollars for ten days. I about flipped when I heard that number, but the doc explained that, compared to my growth hormone and other drugs, this was a small cost, and that bastard was right. So, I told him right there that I was going to do the procedure. He smiled and said that noone had ever been ready so quickly before. But I really don't give a fuck, so I pulled out my Visa card and charged the first 2000 dollars right there, and would pay the rest, the day of the procedure. My date was set for three days from today, and even that seemed like forever to me. Looks like I am going to have to spend a few more days in this hell hole�

End of Part 1.

***********************
What can I say...
If Only I Were Wealthy,
If Only It Were True,
One Hell Of A Cure,
I'd No Longer Be Blue!!!
My Question Is...
...Would "YOU???"

[Hmmm...I wonder if Doc. X would be interested in a few 1st edition comics from the 70's???]

MH.